There are plenty of guides out there on how to get started playing Dota 2, but they inevitably tell you how hard the game is and how to master the intricacies of the game. What this guide does is tell you how to play with 5punkers. There's a difference. While some of us are quite good, none of us are really good. All the stuff about team play and tactics goes out of the window and we play like we play everything else - a herd of cats. That said, there are some things to know so that you don't get wtfpwnd all game and hate it, because the most fun thing is beating up another 5punker.
1. Tutorial.
No need to create an account, it uses your Steam credentials. So that's good. The interface isn't immediately apparent, surprisingly for such a popular game from such a quality developer. You're confronted with the usual community bollocks. You don't care about any of that shit, touch the Play button at the top. The community shit turns into a black area with buttons on the left and lobby buttons across the top. Later you'll want the (default) Find Lobbies (side) and Friend Lobbies (top) to join in with 5punkers, but for now click on the Tutorial button on the left under the l2p noob Learn to play heading. You get a map and a pile of rocks with a flag in it. Click on it, play through the tutorials. They'll teach you the basics of getting about and killing things, buying kit and getting cash and XP. Don't worry about #3, which a short video sequence. It's arse, it'll pass. By the time you're playing full matches with bots you'll have the hang of the basics. The bots here have gone full retard, in a normal bot match with 5punkers the easy ones are killing machines (albeit still retarded ones). Stop short of the last tutorial, which will put you up against experienced players trying to farm tutorial items. The first three tutorials (including the arse, unskippable video one) have to be completed before you're allowed into the game proper. It sucks a little, but it's so that people can't call you a noob. If they do, point out that you've done the first three tutorials, so they're clearly wrong.
2. Starting a match.
Remember the lobby buttons from earlier? Once you're ready to play with 5punkers you'll need those. When a little box with 5punkers in appears click on the Join button to jump into the lobby. Here you'll see two sets of slots and your name underneath. Click a slot to join, it doesn't matter which. The lobby owner will add bots to fill the gaps then shuffle the teams. Then it's off into the game (after the usual fannying about, losing connection, restarting Dota, and waiting for people to get beer).
There are things that the tutorials don't teach you, which are kind of important. First off is about choosing your character. There are shitloads of them, and you'll be completely overwhelmed. For now just know a couple of things:
* Press CTRL for a grid view of the characters, it's easier than the silly scrolly card thing.
* Try to choose one of the characters recommended in this thread. They're a bit simpler to play and more forgiving, and at our level there are no weak ones.
* If you're not sure you can always random. We usually do anyway, and learning a character is pretty fun. It's the best way to find characters you like (and we're all different). Be aware that you might land someone who's hard as nails to play though.
Other people will choose or random, scroll your mouse wheel over your character model in the meantime to spin them hilariously. Eventually the countdown timer will finish and the game will start. Click on the start game icon with the picture of your character. Your character will appear with the others on your side in the starting area, as per the tutorials. Don't worry if you're in the opposite corner, they're pretty much the same.
3. Learning your character.
One of the really important things they never tell you is the build function. Using this you can pre-load a build made by someone much better than us, which tells you which items to buy and skills to take, and in which order. The good ones will also give you a custom description of why. Click the book icon in the top left of the screen, then the right arrow in the window that appears. Wait for the builds to load. Personally I pick the one with the best name, or one that lets me kill shit. The higher up the list the build is, the higher its rating. Choose one, close the build windows. Now you'll have a level to take, and one of the skills will be highlighted in gold. Click the level up button and then click on the highlighted skill. Do this every time you level. Then click on the yellow shop button in the bottom right. Along the left hand side of the shop are the recommended items ordered in tiers. The tiers represent stages of the game, with the top ones being starting gear. Right click on them all to buy them. Be aware that some might be duplicated (iron branches are popular), and that some might not be needed. The latter is most likely the donkey, check if someone else buys him. We'll come back to him later, he's moderately important. Have your gear and skills? Cool. Have a quick read of what your first skill does to get an idea of how to use it, and off you trot.
4. The Donkey
I'll talk about this chap now. The donkey is your courier. Only one person needs to buy him, and you deploy him by clicking him in your items window, which allows your whole team to use him. You can see if the team has a donkey by checking the little pair of buttons under the shop button - the left one will show a little donkey if you do. So, you can buy stuff from the shop whenever you like, but unless you're stood by it it'll go into your stash. The courier can be used to bring it to you while you're in the field. This is important as you don't have to leave the fight, which would result in lost XP, gold, and an advantage to the other guys. You can get him to grab your stuff and trot over with it by clicking the other of the two donkey buttons, the one with the bag and an arrow pointing to a little bloke. The donkey will go to the store, grab your stuff, then bring it to you. If that button shows the face of another character it means it's already humping someone else's crap around the battlefield so wait for him to finish. You can override him, but that's very rude (and reserved for public games against randoms who will do it all the time). Later on the team can buy wings for the donkey so he can get about faster. Also note that donkeys are great targets for the opposite team, and they taste great.
5. Don't die.
This is the most important lesson they never teach you. Dying is a very bad thing in Dota, it's the reason why randoms will call you a noob (5punkers won't, they'll just laugh at you). Run away. In fact don't approach the enemy at all unless you're confident you can win. Got the other guy to low health and can get him if you chase him past a tower? Don't, you'll die. Think you've got the jump on the other guy by sneaking up on him? Don't, you'll die. Enemies ganking a buddy and you want to distract them so he can escape? Fuck him, rather him than you, or worse, both of you. So don't die. It's rude, it makes your team worse and the other team better, don't do it.
6. Early game
Okay. Happy about the not dying thing? Cool. So you need to move into a lane. You've played the tutorial, you know the score. Typically you'll have two in the outside lanes and one in the middle. For now stick to top or bottom. You'll be a certain type of character and you'll pair up best with another type, but chances are you won't know what type anyone's is, including yours, so just pair up with whatever you fancy. You'll pick up all that stuff by playing.
Get into your lane and start trying to generate cash by last-hitting creeps. It's not hugely important to fanny around trying for last hits, just beating them up is enough to generate cash. As a new player your objective should just be staying in lane to maximise your XP. To do that you need to not die, so keep a constant eye on the bad guys who will be milling around on the other side of the creep battle. If they start to rush you then fuck off, run back to your tower where they won't follow you. If you're playing a ranged character then take the odd potshot at them to harass them, which might eventually horse them to retreat and heal. Similarly, if you get low on health fall back and use a healing potion or Tango (green berries, click on a tree to eat it. No, I don't know either). If all else fails go back to the starting area where you'll heal and generate mana super-fast. Do some shopping while you're there, grabbing items in the next tier down when you can afford them.
7. Don't die.
Just don't.
8. Mid game
From about level 6 onwards people will start getting their Ults, ultimate abilities. These powerful skills are the ones which will let you start doing what you're supposed to be doing, which in most cases is killing the other guy. Take a little time to think about how they work together, because now you can start attacking the other guys. Even now though, try to do it when one of your opponents is out of lane - they've just been killed or have had to return to base to heal. Ideally your mate will be there too and you can gank the enemy. This is where you start generating good cash and XP from killing players, and also when you're most likely to over-extend. It's easy to follow the enemy into their territory and get killed by a tower, a mob of creeps (who can and will kill you after you've been one-on-one), or a roaming enemy player. This part of the game is pretty much an arms race, and you get ahead by getting more kills. As the creeps get less important and players become more important you'll start to abandon your lane and fall in with the others in groups. This gives you safety in numbers, and a better chance of killing the other guy. When this starts happening be careful of wandering off on your own, lest you become prey of roaming gankers who are designed to hunt down enemies one-on-one.
Oh, by this point you'll want the Secret Shop for some of your gear. They're out in the forests, marked with a little brown house icon on the map. They're not secret at all, everyone knows where they are. That includes enemy gankers, who, like chavs, hang around outside shops smoking and looking to beat people up.
9. Late game
Now you're into the team fight stage. Quite often everyone will be involved in big brawls, and you need to adjust your tactics from ganking individuals to disrupting the whole enemy team. If that's not happening (5punkers are a herd of cats, remember), then stick with a buddy and try to gank enemies who are unwise enough to wander off on their own, often when pushing lanes (working with the creeps to attack your towers). At this stage of the game dying isn't quite as important as it was, so don't be scared to get stuck in with your team - it's more harmful to run off and leave them outnumbered, and everyone is going to be effective by this point. Eventually one or both sides will start to encroach on the other side's base. They'll start to kill the towers and barracks there. Killing barracks is handy because your side will start spawning super creeps (they're super creepy), which will tilt the odds in your team's favour. It ain't over yet though. When you're in the enemy base the other guys will be making hit-and-run attacks on you. Their base is lousy with towers, so chasing them is a good way to get killed. Try to trap them and kill them, or leave them to run off and carry on beating up their buildings. Similarly, if they're in your base, use hit-and-run tactics. Don't charge heroically in and die because you'll just take yourself out of the fight. By hitting and running you can chip at their health and wait for more of your mates, then when you do all attack attrition will have left the bad guys lower on health. That's the theory, but half the time by this stage you're boned anyway.
10. The end.
Eventually one of the Ancients will go down. They're the big buildings in the middle. They don't take much damage so there's a fair chance it'll be over before you realise. You've a 50/50 chance of being on the winning side, so enjoy it if you are, don't be too disheartened if you're not. Have a look at the stats. If you're on 2 kills and 15 deaths you should probably be more cautious, but don't worry too much. 5punky games are practice games and nobody takes them seriously. The most important thing is that you enjoyed the game. If you couldn't get the hang of the character and died a lot, don't worry. It happens to all of us. Just try a different one next time. If you random them again (unlikely, there are loads), you can always opt to choose your own at the expense of a little starting cash.
11. After your first game.
You'll have heard a few things in your first 5punky game. Characters we hate, bots we hate, 5punkers we hate. Don't worry, we leave all our mean words for the bots. Here's a rundown of some common things:
Sniper: We fucking hate him, especially when a bot chooses him (which they almost always do). He can shoot you dead from half the map away and disappear when you jump him. Kill him often early before he turns into a machine gun, be prepared to hear the phrase "fucking sniper" from both sides.
Drow Ranger: Pretty much as per sniper, but not quite as annoying.
Riki: Invisible bastard who everyone hates because he's a bots favourite ganker. He'll appear, rape your face, then fuck off before your mates can catch him. Bounty Hunter is similar but the bots don't seem to choose him that often.
Dazzle: Mongy healer whose battle cry is his own name. Like Leeroy Jenkins, or more like Hodor. He's the bot comic relief, although actually pretty effective in their hands. If you play him you'll be shit.
5punkers: Beware of Bits and Roman, both are scarily good as any character. Everyone has their favourites, who I'm sure will be mentioned below. I like Slark, who is a jumpy fish man ganker. Pnut likes Lich, who is a handy lane support turning into a horrible nuker late game. Berk can play Sniper just like a bot.
This is more than enough to get you happily through your first few games until you get into the swing of it. Hopefully by then you'll have seen the beauty of the 5punky Dota game, but if not at least can say you've tried it.
